Many of you may or may not know it, but I’m on a fitness kick right now. That means that I am interested in fitness, and it feels like I have been kicked right in the head. I hate things like exertion, so I’m not exactly what you’d call a jock. Sweat tends to scare me, as I do not trust when my body leaks coolant in an effort to reduce its temperature. When you think about it, that’s just about the most terrifying, disgusting thing that we do.
I’m sorry. I have gotten distracted.
In any case, here are a few moves I’ve picked up that will help you stay fit. Feel free to do these as often as you like, unless you don’t want to. I certainly don’t.
The Craigslist Crawl
Get on your computer and hunch your back into an arc. Scrunch up your shoulders and keep your body tense. Now go on Craigslist and find only crappy jobs that have either a bad rate or ridiculous demands. Relax your shoulders. Repeat daily. Bonus tip: frowning and/or crying works out facial muscles during this exercise.
The Schedule Buster
Oops! You just forgot to write 10,000 words for a client and it’s due tomorrow. Stand up. Go to the corner store and buy four Vanilla Frappuccinos. Stay up until 5 AM. Crash into your bed until 3 PM, then wake up and repeat. Be sure to stretch for this one. I find that I get wrist strain drinking caffeine if I don’t do wrist exercises for strength.
The Rewrite Squat
Your client just sent you back something you have rewritten for her four times. She is still not happy! Stand up and do a squat, hands on your head as you tear out your hair in frustration. Stand back up, putting your hands at your sides. Repeat until you are balder than Britney Spears having a nervous breakdown. I find that this is great for your calves.
I invented this move when I realized that I was not actually getting any exercise done. It is a very motivational move that can inspire you to exercise more. Take your mouse finger and use it to click on your address bar, then type in Google. Then use your weakest fingers to type out the name of someone from high school you hated. Search for them in Google, and spend the next five hours wasting time on the internet. Realize you have done no work for the day and run out the door to get a McRib sandwich. If there is no McRib sandwich in your area, you may substitute a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Take it easy with this move. It is highly advanced, and you can strain yourself.
What moves have you learned? Please share in the comments below!