Santa, You Suck

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on December 22, 2010 in Freelance Writing Business
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When I was a little kid, I thought Santa was the coolest guy ever. Who else in my life did I know who ate nothing but cookies and delivered presents to kids such as myself? Well, there was the crazy old woman down the street but her presents really sucked. Who at the age of twelve would want a hairball wreath?

I would love to have one now, however.

In any case, this year I finally found out the horrible truth–Santa isn't real. I'm sorry if that comes as a shock to anyone out there reading. Perhaps I should have put a spoiler warning on this post. But I figure that if I'm nearly 27 and just found out, then you should definitely know by now. If you're a little kid, then you are too young to freelance. Go outside and play in the snow or something.

In light of that fact, I thought I'd post my Christmas wishlist and share with you what I would like this year which I now know I will never have. Enjoy. Or don't.

  • Frankincense
  • Myrrh
  • A lot of gold, because that would be awesome
  • My two front teeth
  • Three ghosts to take me on a magical journey through time and space to show me that I can indeed change my miserly ways and become of good Christmas cheer
  • An angel to show me what life would be like if I never existed
  • Puppets to show me that I can also change my miserly ways–I am pretty cheap and I should probably reexamine that next year
  • A vacation in which my wacky dad gets into numerous situations that are zany
  • A mystical creature that cannot be fed after midnight
  • You

Now, here's your assignment–guess which TV shows/movies/songs those references came from. There's no reward other than virtue. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and all the rest!

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

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2 Comments

  1. Rebecca Garland December 22, 2010 Reply

    * Frankincense – Bible (Mark if you need the book)
    * Myrrh – Bible
    * A lot of gold, because that would be awesome – Bible

    * My two front teeth – Christmas song ‘All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” Was this ever in a movie?

    * Three ghosts to take me on a magical journey through time and space to show me that I can indeed change my miserly ways and become of good Christmas cheer – A Christmas Carol (Dickens)

    * An angel to show me what life would be like if I never existed – It’s a Wonderful Life

    * Puppets to show me that I can also change my miserly ways–I am pretty cheap and I should probably reexamine that next year – Muppets?

    * A vacation in which my wacky dad gets into numerous situations that are zany – I’d like to say Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation, but they don’t actually go in anywhere in the Christmas one.

    * A mystical creature that cannot be fed after midnight – I’m sure I know this one, but it’s not coming to me right now.

    * You – Love Actually. Greatest Christmas movie of all time. :)

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